2 Words That Show Your Childhood Wounds to Everyone

Healing vs. showing your ass in public


Adam Murauskas

3 years ago | 2 min read

“You NEVER listen to me.”
“She ALWAYS does this.”
“He NEVER follows through.”
“I ALWAYS have to clean up.”

When we make absolute statements using the words always and never, they’re usually not factually accurate at all. However, that doesn’t matter, because we’re speaking from our feelings — very old feelings.

“You never return my texts,” could actually mean, “My parents were emotionally unavailable, and I felt invisible. So when you don’t respond soon enough, the feeling of being ignored takes me back to a painful childhood experience, and I fucking hate you.”

Well, that escalated quickly.

When we are wounded, it’s easy to imagine that everyone is trying to hurt us (see Healthy Starts with “Heal” for a great illustration of this). This happens quite frequently in romantic relationships. Our partners didn’t cause our wounds, but sometimes we treat them like they did.

What’s Going On Here?

A wounded child eventually becomes a pissed-off teenager. Without healing, people carry both of these child states around inside of them and cut them loose whenever they’re triggered.

The wounded child takes us into self-pity, victimhood, and despair. The pissed-off teenager takes us into self-righteous indignation, rage, and resentment.

Yeah, don’t let those kids drive your bus.

The way to get these wild-ass heathens out of the driver’s seat of your life is to heal them.

But How?

Find out what they needed but didn’t get. Why are they hurt? What is upsetting them? Find healthy ways to meet those needs 1) inside yourself, and 2) outside yourself.

*This is so important*

Trying to meet all your needs by yourself is unhealthy. That’s total independence. It’s lonely.

Trying to get all your needs met by others is unhealthy too. That’s total dependence. It’s disappointing AF.

These are opposite sides of the same wounded-ass coin.

Interdependence is the goal! This is where healthy, loving relationships happen. You can meet some needs yourself and get some needs met by others. But there is a wonderful freedom in not being held hostage to one or the other.

When I don’t NEED you to meet my needs, I can be in relationship with you out of freedom and choice. I can love you without demanding anything in return. It is such a beautiful way to live and to love.

Ya’ll should try that.

Originally published on medium.


Created by

Adam Murauskas

Writing to heal myself, others, and the world.







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