Arguing with Your Partner – Maybe You’re Doing It Wrong
Every conflict moves you closer together or further apart.
“The point you’re making is not more important than the love you’re missing.” ~Buddy Wakefield
Not long ago, my wife was upset with me about something. I don’t even remember what the damn thing was, but the truth is this:
It’s never about the thing.
My side of the story felt justified — it would make 100% logical sense to any rational human being. I could explain it, articulate it, and validate it in the highest courts of the land…
But I didn’t.
Instead, I thought to myself, what’s her unmet need right now? Because that’s the thing we’re talking about without talking about it.
In many cases with my dear wife, she can get out of sorts when she doesn’t feel seen.
I work too much. I do a lot. I help a lot of people. And sometimes I get caught up and forget that I made a vow to love this woman, which requires daily effort.
Instead of “proving my point” and exacerbating the disconnect she was already feeling, I said, “What can I do to bring us closer together?”
Then I shut my f**king mouth and listened to her.
She didn’t wanna make me wrong about something. She didn’t wanna be right. She just wanted to feel seen, heard, loved, and connected to her husband.
If you get into an argument with your partner about something, and you’re trying to be “right” about it, you’re missing the whole point.
Chances are, your partner just wants connection and protection in your relationship — to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
That’s what we all want (whether you know it or not).
So set your little butt-hurt ego off to the side and ask, “What can I do to bring us closer together?”
There’s a whole lotta love being left on the table when you busy yourself with trying to prove a point about some mundane stuff that you won’t even remember a week later.
Maya Angelou said it best:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
You’re supposed to have conflict in relationships. Those are your opportunities to either grow closer together or further apart.
Don’t miss your chance to choose love every time.
Writing to heal myself, others, and the world.