I’m 100% ethnically Chinese, however, have lived a good portion of my life in Western countries. When I first arrived to live in Hong Kong, some of the local colleagues called me a ‘banana’. It means, I’m yellow on the outside but white on the inside. Now some people may take offense to this. I didn’t. I thought it was funny and very apt!

Where am I going with this, you ask? 🧐

Our parents/elders are our first role models

The Chinese culture is very direct. Hence, sharing the story 👆. As a child I was molded by parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles who spoke this way to me, as well. To my siblings. To their children.

The comments weren’t always negative, by the way. Compliments were in the mix, but as humans, we are biased to focusing on the negatives. Why? We all want to be liked. We all want to be respected. We all want to fit in. We seem to care overly much about what others think of us. Don’t we? 🙋🏻‍♀️ I’m guilty of this.

I had body issues as a child, teenager and young adult. Because my two elders sisters were thin and petite and my parents’ friends would always compare me to them. So, I ended up putting too much value on what people thought about my physical looks.

Learning to love myself

The first time I received a compliment was when I was a waitress at a family-style restaurant during my last year of high school…..only 16 years old. One of my customers said “You have a beautiful smile”. I remember feeling my face start to flush with heat and I stuttered something inane. Can’t remember exactly what.

The customer could see that I was flustered by her compliment. Very calmly she said “When someone pays you a compliment, simply say Thank You”. Which I did. To this day, that simple interaction is still etched in my memory. It made me realise that while I may not be genetically blessed with height, being thin or having classical beautiful facial features, these WERE NOT the features that defined my self-worth, my self-respect.

Over the past couple of decades to the present time, I’ve voraciously researched how to build self-confidence, self-respect, mental resilience. And it’s an ongoing exercise.

My list:

➡️ Are you comfortable with being in your own company for an extended period? Or do you ONLY feel happy when you are the recipient of daily affection/compliments? Be it from spouse, partner, lover, friend, family member. Confident people love their own company. And know when it’s time to be sociable. They aren’t afraid of meeting new people. You don’t rely on someone else for your happiness/fulfillment.

➡️ Do you help others? Are you a giver or a taker? Takers are inherently insecure, needy
people. Helping others can take many, many forms. Mentoring junior colleagues, doing charitable work, helping someone find a job/client by connecting them to someone in your network, spend time listening to someone else’s troubles (be careful with this last one as some people drain your energy by constantly sharing their sob stories). The key here is to help others WHILE EXPECTING NOTHING IN RETURN. If you do something for others expecting love, affection, respect, etc. in return, you will experience disappointment at some point.

➡️ Practicing daily gratefulness: With or without the Covid pandemic and how it’s impacted all our lives. Millions have been adversely affected. Others have benefited.
Irrespective of the pandemic and your situation, practicing daily gratefulness is extremely powerful. When you feel like the victim, you are, essentially, giving away your personal power to someone else.

➡️ Being accountable: You are not infallible. No-one is. You can only hope that actions you make don’t hurt loved ones, where the damage is irrevocable. But even if it does, it shouldn’t stop you from taking accountability. This means admitting being in the wrong and taking steps to resolve. Don’t blame anyone else for YOUR ACTIONS.

➡️ Setting healthy psychological boundaries: A decade or so ago, my weight ballooned to 72kgs and I was wearing a UK size 16. Clearly obese for someone who is a mere 5 ft tall (about 153cms). 10 years on, I am successfully maintaining a healthier size (UK6–8) because of the strong boundaries I put in place with my love of food. What about personal and professional relationships? Do you tolerate lying, unreliable, non-committed people? Do you stay with the employer who keeps dangling the carrot (e.g. pay rises, promotions) but doesn’t deliver? Set clear boundaries with yourself. Otherwise, you will be taken advantage of.

What would you add? Please share 👇 in the comments section. 🙏