Effective Parenting that Ensures Effective Individuals- An Opinion

Do not worry if your children do not listen to you, worry that they are watching you.


Raeesa Mukhtar

2 years ago | 8 min read

Once a child comes into the lap of his/her parents after being delivered, the pressure of taking the responsibility of this new life can be scary for both the parents but there is a natural love between the parents and a child that overpowers all the fears.

Parenting or upbringing of a child can be thought like perpetuating and sustaining a garden by understanding the needs of every individual plant but it is something more than that.We cannot limit the parenting and its techniques to a few terminologies.

There are hundreds and thousands of parenting techniques depending upon the varying norms, cultures, and circumstances around the globe. And there is no surprise that all the ways and techniques can be correct as well.

It is all about the perspectives of the parents themselves, the needs of every individual child, and the society in which the children are being brought up. Being more guided by modern researches and fact-finding ideas, parents of this day and age are way more different than those of our orthodox parents.

Evolution is inevitable and we cannot compare or deny any of the techniques adopted by either of the doctrines. Parenting is the toughest job indeed and it is a continuous process. What worked then, may not necessarily work the same now.

Or contracting the idea on the individual rationale, one thing that was favorite for a kid till last night is no more acceptable for him today. Being a parent means to be ready for a new challenge every other day.

Love, Love and only selfless love

In my opinion, there are three external factors that carry the power to form or de-form a personality and these are heredity, environment, and love. Particularly in the case of parenting, as it is the matter of formation of a personality, these three ingredients should be in an appropriate ratio, complementing each other to make the efforts pay-off, as direction always matters more than speed.

As long as the parents love their children they leave no stone unturned to make their parenting successful and beneficial for their children by implementing one technique or the other. Yet some certain universal facts and tactics must be learned by the parents to improve themselves, to help themselves to be calm and psychologically intact for this noble task handed over to them.

Keep Balance, Teach Balance

The sublime settlement of the children’s personality comes by neither being exceedingly permissive nor by adopting the authoritarian demeanors but remaining in between on the lines of being authoritative.

The idea is to be clear and demanding while communicating the expectations but showing sufficient warmth and forgiveness to empower the children with the resilience of positivity and optimism by modeling a flexible and humane disposition.

Developing a level of trust and space where children can feel the urge to fulfill the expectations of their parents but can also discuss and admit their shortcomings, will maturate them into self-assertive and sanguine beings.

Poison of Comparison

In this fiercely competitive environment where we are always facing comparisons through social media, in work environments, and even in our general discussions, it has imperceptibly made its way into our homes.

It is an inevitable fact that parents do compare, starting from the kids’ eating and sleeping habits to their report cards and then to their career and lifelong decisions, children are compared in the brains of parents.

But what becomes catastrophic is the expression of those brain dwelling ideas before the kids. By making comparisons among the siblings or other children of their age, parents mean to give them a sense of competition and urge to do something better but most of the time it does more harm than good.

The unhealthy and repetitive comparisons can put children into overwhelmed stress, anxiety, or inferiority complex.

When kids reach their teen ages and show up to be rebellious about their responsibilities, set themselves back for any competitive activity, or may intentionally give-up on putting efforts; it’s mostly not the story of one day. Over the years they built up the beliefs that were instilled by their parents, the elder brother is somehow more smart or responsible than the younger one, for instance.

Parallel to the preceding scenario, the worst thing happens when under certain environments, gender discrimination is practiced among the siblings. This leads to the most terrible and worthless social training of the kids.

A small or casual remark from the parents is an absolute truth for the kids and they keep judging and weighing themselves according to the parents’ judgments.

When they encounter a repetitious and recurring paroxysm of comparison, they try to overcome it through different tactics like keeping secret hater for the appreciated one, by showing their power through teasing or beating others, or maybe avoiding and withdrawing themselves from their parents, their expectations and competitive prospects.

A thin demarcation between exemplification and comparison is important to be differentiated.Home should be the space where everyone finds liberty to pronounce and exhibit their identity and capabilities and those capabilities may be regarded as their specialties to be admired and accredited.

Comparable to the human body, a family is a unified system that works best by the beauty of antagonism between every component of the system. Each integrant of this family unit is vital and admirable, thus, deserves approval and respect so that he may nurture his individual and unique ideas confidently and productively.

To Listen and be listened

Communication is something that steers the direction and quality of any relationship. In very literal terms, communication is the act of transmitting the messages, ideas, emotions, and information and its real quintessence is the art of knowing how to convey and how to perceive.

The communication between the parents and kids influences the entire family fabric and it should be open and effective. Kids learn to communicate from their parents so if it involves complete interest, availability, listening, pondering, and mutual respect, it becomes a successful communication that works for both parties.

The peculiarity of parent-child communication is that it does not necessarily involve words and vocabularies. Studies depict that most influential communication between parents and kids takes place at para-verbal (tone, speed, voice, volume) and non-verbal levels (expressions, eye-contact, movements).

Every stage of life demands a different level and style of communication. Being simple and absolute works for the kids of school-going age because putting them into extra details and logics may disconcert them and impedes their ability to grab the real idea.

But in the case of grownups, it is important to inculcate the real logic behind the claim effectively and potently as in that particular age, kids are more curious and demand the justification against every insistence. For the contemporary folks, the stumbling block is not the gap of communication but the way of communication they adopt.

A superficial unilateral communication never puts the family operations to work or motivate the children for feedback. Parents may fail to identify, and eventually, satisfy the needs of their kids just because they couldn’t make themselves effectively understood, they could not reach and teach the child’s heart and as a consequence, the expectations of both the parties remain ungratified.

The message must be complete in itself accessorized by every minor detail of body language and facial expressions so that the child feels fulfillment, confidence, and clarity from inside.

Beware! They are watching, copying, and saving

Parents mostly, if not always, know the mistakes of their children and it naturally makes them furious. But making kids admit and own their mistakes and feel regretful, only results with the effective connection and wise management of anger. If an inquiry starts directly by flying into a rage, it will not help kids to disgorge the reason and impetus behind their delinquency.

It will not only heat the vicious anger cycle of both parties but also disrupt the chances of self-assessment and remorsefulness in the child. For parents, anger can be a very useful weapon if used sensibly and expressed wisely.

Otherwise, it will only add fuel to the fire. And before adding this fuel, parents need to think once, that they are adults and can set a good example for their children rather than facing the music afterward. One of the most crucial things to be understood is that children are absorbing every minor energy of their parents.

They are becoming what they are exposed to.

If a mother or a father slams the door or throws things in anger, she or he cannot expect the kid to act normally when something happens against his moods. If they are yelling at him to stop him from screaming or yelling it completely makes sense that they are giving him an idea to stop things he doesn’t like by shouting and losing the temperament.

Setting the right role model for the children is very important because in the early few years of life it’s just a father or a mother whom they can see and relate to.

Keep Calm and be consistent

Being adults if parents succeed to manage their anger somehow, another challenge can be dealing with the fussy kids throwing tantrums. Anger and tantrums can be widely observed among the pre-school kids and it could be a sensitive issue to deal with.

Knowing the triggers is very crucial in this scenario. Either it’s a growth hormone spurt or some underlying anxiety or trauma, every cause needs to be dealt differently and keenly as these abrupt patterns may lead to the growing up of a disobedient, rebellious, or aggressive adult.

Asking them mild questions about their behavior, redirecting or distracting them from their state, or providing them with the alternatives can be helpful.

Inconsistent parenting and changing behavioral patterns of parents themselves can also set children on such fussy and uncertain conduct.Discipline in terms of parenting means to impart and teach knowledge and make it consistent.

Most of the time it is wrongly equated with punishments, prohibitions, and penalizations but the matter of understanding is that the word ‘discipline’ is silently followed by the word ‘self’.

The goal of every positive parenting method is to make the kids internally responsible for whatever they do. They are required to be driven by intrinsic approval rather than extrinsic motivations like rewards or presents etc.

But this distinction of right and wrong, good or bad may not be easy for the children and parents have to develop an internal voice within their children from the very initial stages.

Setting limits and repeating the universal rules of right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable, ethical and non-ethical, in an appropriately kind way, will set an alarm system within their subconscious and will edify them to make decisions independently by their inner strength and self-clarity.

In certain situations, exposure to the natural consequences proves to be way more effective and logical than to deliver the lecture about right and wrong and will leave a constant impression of the direct consequence of their behaviors.

One of the major hurdles that may be encountered on this point is the inconsistency that will confuse any child regardless of the developmental stage in which he is. To discipline them means to grow them as mature adults, to fit themselves into the pragmatic and hard-headed world happily and proficiently by fostering their appropriate behaviors and it takes tons of patience and steadfastness.

Parenting can be more of a personal and sensitive idea and cannot be questioned because every parent who is sane and loves their kids tries everything they find appropriate in their perspective. But learning and improving are persistent.

One of the paramount considerations to be kept in mind as a parent is to provide them a futuristic approach for their existence and help them to acquire the values and skills upon which they can rely throughout their life. It will mold them into a better version of themselves rather than becoming the slave of their emotions and social parasites.


Created by

Raeesa Mukhtar

A Pharmacist who loves the "writing therapy".







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