Become a CreatorSign inGet Started

Would You Kill Your Cat for a Billion Dollars?

The difference between me and Jeff Bezos and most billionaires. They’re willing to kill humans for money, and not quick and easy. Their way of killing is a slow, humiliating degradation.


Harry Seitz

4 months ago | 3 min read


If you say yes, you’re an idiot

Nice bed sheets, right? They were my grandparents and constructed during a time when shit was meant to last. These sheets are at least 60 years old, they’re fitted, and the elastic is still tight.

As for the question at hand, of course, I wouldn’t kill my cat for any amount of money because my cat is a living creature, and money is just paper.

I have enough to pay rent and stay drunk indefinitely, so I don’t really need any more money, and even if I desperately did, I’d rob a bank before killing my cat.

This is one of the differences between me and Jeff Bezos and most billionaires. They’re willing to kill humans for money, and not quick and easy. Their way of killing is a slow, humiliating degradation.

First, you’re pissing into soda bottles while robots scream at you, or alert managers to scream at you every time you stop moving for more than 10 seconds.

You’re getting paid minimum wage to do back-breaking labor, aren’t given enough hours to qualify for any benefits, and it’s drilled into your head every day that you’re lucky and should be grateful because there are thousands of other poor slobs who would kill for your shitty job.

Murder has become our go-to option on a personal level. A Black guy is on your lawn to retrieve his frisbee? Kill him. It’s your property, it’s your right to stand your ground, and who knows what was going on in that guy’s head?

Sure, he probably just wanted his frisbee, but the cops should know he might have been casing your house, or maybe even trying to peek at your kids.

A Black guy is jogging through your neighborhood? Murder him. If he wasn’t guilty of anything, why was he running?

A terrorist might be hiding in a building with civilians? Blow the block off the face of the earth, and those civilians should have known better. Most of them were adults, so they shouldn’t have had their kids out there, walking around where a terrorist might be lurking.

If I was a cop or a security guard, I wouldn’t shoot a bank robber. He’s not going to get any more than a few grand from the tellers, and I’m supposed to kill him over that? The sickest part of all is that if I let him go, I’d get reprimanded or maybe even fired, but if I killed him, I’d probably get a medal.

Steal billions from the American public, you get sycophants writing about your morning routine and a mega-yacht. Steal food for your family, and you go to jail.

There’s been a lot written lately about how cops, especially in New York City, have stopped enforcing non-felony offenses. I’ll let you in on a little secret: the cops here never enforced those laws unless they were forced to.

Shoplift or jump a turnstile, and maybe you get a ticket, which you can crumple up and throw in the trash right in front of the cop. Once a month or so, they used to do a sweep and arrest anyone for anything, knowing all the while that they weren’t really deterring anyone.

The NYPD is too busy dealing with real crimes, so they tend to avoid the little shit. I’ve heard them trying to dissuade bodega owners from pressing charges. One time after a bar fight I lost, the cop asked me if I wanted to press charges.

I asked him if they ever caught anyone for this kind of thing and he said no, so I told him not to worry about it.

They’re overworked and underpaid, and honestly, I prefer it this way. Concentrate on murderers and rapists, and let the small shit slide.

So I guess I’ll never be a billionaire because I’m not even willing to kill my cat, and as much as I hate some of them, I don’t really want to kill anyone.


Created by

Harry Seitz








Related Articles