We all have that self-loathing co-worker who keeps talking others down. Maybe your spouse is the type that praises him/herself to the point you feel suffocated in the marriage. Or your partner is the self-absorbed jealous type who sees you as a competition rather than a soulmate.

I was once in a relationship with a guy who keeps bad-mouthing everything I did. Whenever I asked him to stop by the grocery and pick one or two items for me, he would refuse. Saying I should go get it myself. For him, it is an insult to send him on an errand.

If he was doing laundry and I bring my clothes to help me out, he would ignore me because it is humiliating enough that he is washing his clothes when I am there.

Well, I let him revel in his pride for a while before I kicked him to the gutter. If there is one thing I cannot stand is an egocentric son of a bitch. I have zero tolerance, and I am unapologetically mean towards such people.

My sister-in-law is one of those people you cannot spend 30 minutes in a room with. She will belittle you to the point you feel disgusted with yourself.

My daughter wanted to go on a vacation. So we decide to pay my uncle in Pennsylvania a visit. I never met his wife before then, and surprisingly, she wasn’t a good host.

One time we went on a picnic at Delgrosso’s park. My daughter and I were excited to see the Laguna Splash Waterpark for the first time. We were gushing about everything and everyone that passed us. When it was time to get on the Yo-Yo ride with her children, she shrugged. She didn’t want people to see my daughter sitting near her kids.

You can imagine the embarrassment. If she wasn’t my elder, I would have given her a piece of me and still walk out on her.

Instead, I held my cool until we got home. The following day we packed our bags and went back to Texas. To this day, I haven’t gone to her house; we only speak on the phone sparingly.

Signs you have an increased ego

Everyone has an ego. We are all born with it. Ego is important for our self-identity, self-esteem, and self-confidence. It is what drives us up the corporate ladder. But just as ego makes us work harder, it can also keep us from having a peaceful life.

Like everything else, it is both good and bad. Often ego and selfishness are linked. This is because a lot of people with big egos treat others as trash as well. These people are all about themselves.

You hear yourself saying, “I am better than him,” rather than saying, “I am good” that is a hint of your ego is brewing inside. This was another reason I stopped going to my sister-in-law’s place. She was very good at comparing her children with my daughter.

If the kids went out to play and maybe got hurt, she would blame it on my daughter even though she was younger than her first son and daughter. Her first son, Kieran, was five years, Celine, her only daughter, was three years, and my daughter, Miriam, was two. Her youngest, Will, was a year plus, almost the same age as my daughter.

There was a time my daughter mistakenly split milk on her daughter’s nightwear, my aunt bloated. I could see the contempt in her eye, and then she said something in the tone of do you know how much that cloth cost, silly girl?

“Check your ego at the door. The ego can be a great success inhibitor. It can kill opportunities, and it can kill success.” — Dwayne Johnson

There’s nothing wrong with having drive, passion, and excitement. Those are all good. Everyone should have enough confidence or ego to stand on their own. But you need to be aware of when your ego is playing up so you can stop it before it’s too late! There are some telltale signs your ego is out of control. When you spot these signs below, be sure to hit Dr. Phil, or better still, do what I did.

• If you always get into an argument and won’t stop until you’ve said all you have in your mind.
• If you often justify your actions, even though you know that you’re wrong.
• If you are angry or your feelings get hurt when things don’t go your way.
• If you get offended when someone corrects your mistakes.
• If you feel vengeful when you lose something or someone.
• If you ignore your partner’s or other people’s feedback, opinion, advice, and constructive criticism.
• If you are competitive and you would do anything to win, even when it means stepping on someone’s toes.
• If you get envious when a co-worker buys something new, you get the latest one better than theirs.
• If you talk about yourself for 10 minutes before asking your listener how they are.
• If you find it difficult to show any emotion in front of people because you feel it is socially degrading.

Ego is self-destructive, and you should always keep it in check.

The ego is that function of our psyche that defines the self, tells the story of who we are or who we think we are, and gives us our sense of identity.

It is a mask, a person, a facade that acts as protective armor to help us navigate safely in an unpredictable situation.

Ego is a poison that destroys the character of a person. A person who is egocentric does not consider the words of others, and they always stick to their own decisions.

Ego likes to maintain control at all times. It can’t bear to give up its power over you, and unfortunately, many people never leave the ego realm in their life.

People who are selfish by nature use the ego as a “weapon of self-protection” to hide their inadequacy and try to establish their self-esteem in the outside world, but they do not understand that the ego is self-destructive. It lowers self-esteem and creates a negative image in other people’s minds.

If you have felt like you are in a constant war with your own mind, your ego might feel threatened by your higher self. It will eat you up slowly like a parasite from the inside, if you will turn hollow from inside but will be all costume and color outside to show to the world.

How meditation helped get my ego under control

As my late father used to say, “pride comes before a fall.” In my quest for love, I noticed I had to get rid of my ego. I had a tendency to always be right. If you have forgotten something, I will point it out to you. If you wronged me, I would chastise you.

Years back, I had an accident that left me using crutches for mobility. That was 2003, and my life had just shattered before my eyes.

I lost my job. I had no skill and was completely dependent on my family. I felt lost, and I had a newborn, my daughter, to care for.

The circumstances sounding her birth is what you would call a “miracle” if you are a believer.

I struggled with depression. In my pain, I blamed others for my frustration. I attacked anyone who dared to point out the wrongs I did. My bad temper got the better of me.

To a point I considered suicide, even made four failed attempts. Thanks to my mum, who was always there to save me from myself each time except for that last one.

I looked at my daughter in my hands, who was now five months old, and realized what a monster I would have been if I had left this world shameless. So I saved myself. You can say after tasting the brick of death and rising up to where I am today by myself- independent and financially stable, bore the bitchy me.

One of the first steps I took to get my ego in control was to practice self-awareness. This means being aware of my actions, acknowledging my feelings, thoughts, and behavior. When you’re more aware of how you act, think, or speak, you may have the right discernment on how you can improve yourself.

Thanks to the internet, I found out medication helps to manage one’s feelings. For example, an individual may focus on the coolness of the in-breath on the back of the throat or the single point when inhalation changes to exhalation.

Regular practice of focused meditative processes promotes the awareness of the ego process. This awareness is relative to the part of the psyche concerned with perceiving, thinking, feeling, and remembering.

When I started self-meditating, it was like a heavyweight was lifted off my shoulder. I learned to control my temperament. I think now before I speak. I wonder if my words and actions will serve me to express and receive love. If not, then I adjust my behavior or wait to see if this is something I think I should be doing.

I never felt bitter when I was wrong or fought to prove a point when I’m right. It was a quick fix, like eating chocolate or drinking alcohol. Once the buzz had exhausted, I was left with a serene mind. The fight, estrangement, or pain I caused other people wasn’t worth it. The feelings of sadness and loneliness I experienced made being rightly less satisfying.

I think of all the emotions that pulled me down when I let anger, disappointment, and sadness take over. Now that I have the insight and choice to focus on the higher state of being, I usually live in positivity.

Final thoughts

The lessons reminded me to “be” love instead of seeing love as a separate entity. When you live in a state of love, it opens you up to joy and calm. When you feel love, it is also impossible to feel hate at the same time.

That’s how powerful meditation is. You’ll quickly realize that your doubts, insecurities, or fears are only skin deep as you connect with a deeper place of trust, dignity, and self-worth.

Meditation awakens you to connect with everyone, the sense that you’re not alone. Rather, you are part of this wonderful planet, and the more you kindly extend yourself, the less focused you will be on your own limitations.

Discovering this connection takes you from a place of self-centeredness- a strong root of ego to focusing on others.

As you bring acceptance and loving-kindness to yourself, you may discover a deeper belief that you deserve to be happy, that you’re good enough, which builds your self-esteem.

Jessey Anthony is a motivational speaker and fitness coach who helps people become confident in themselves in any challenges they face in life. Sign up to my newsletter & more cool stuff.