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The Pandemic Is Over!

Despite the rising death rates, overwhelmed hospitals, and warnings that worse variants are on the horizon, America has come up with the perfect solution to COVID-19.


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Harry Seitz

4 months ago | 2 min read
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Because we say so

Despite the rising death ratesoverwhelmed hospitals, and warnings that worse variants are on the horizon, America has come up with the perfect solution to COVID-19.

We’re frustrated, we want a strong economy, and we supposedly want life to get back to “normal,” whatever that means, so our leaders and media outlets have collectively decided that the pandemic is over.

No organization is a monolith, and some reporters and leaders continue to be responsible, but their voices are waning.

Honestly, this is the perfect solution, and it can be applied to just about anything. Climate change is another looming nightmare, so we should just decide that it’s over, too.

The same goes for gun violence, political corruption, cancer, obesity, you name it.

Reality has been nothing but a pain in the ass, so to hell with it. Reality can’t get you once you decide to plug your ears and start chanting “enough is enough.”

If your house is on fire, instead of calling the fire department, all you have to do is decide it’s stopped burning, kick back, and relax.

And now that the pandemic is over, maybe go out and get your hair done and swing by the cineplex. You deserve a break from fire and plague, and it’s time to start living (working) again!

Nevermind that all of the people telling us it’s time to move on live in gated communities and have access to top-notch medical care. They’re just as frustrated as we are, having to hole up in one empty mansion after the other.

They need us back to cater their parties and clean their carpets. According to them, masks and distancing are worthless anyway, unless you’re the person making their drinks and serving their food.

I for one am relieved that the left and the right finally agree on something, aside from exploiting us for the last five decades.

Who wants to listen to some egghead scientists when their are billionaires to guide us, and they’re willing to pay politicians and the media to do it? Sure they don’t have degrees in epidemiology or infectious disease, but if those scientists are so smart, why aren’t they billionaires?

Some of you are probably skeptical, but remember that private islands and mega-yachts need housekeepers and bartenders, too.

It isn’t just society that benefits. This method can be applied to personal problems as well. Depressed, anxious, experiencing PTSD? Just decide that you’re cured, and poof! It’s done.

Running out of money and about to go bankrupt? Sorry, you don’t get to decide about that one. You’re on your own and you’re screwed, unless you want to be one of those lazy homeless people.

You go down that route, you might as well be in the Phantom Zone, because society will just decide that homelessness is over, too.

So take off that mask and break out your credit card, and be grateful you’re finally free to return to your cubicle, factory, or school!

Unless you come into contact with one of the wealthy benefactors who liberated you. Then proof of vaccination matters again and the mask goes back on, because in America, some lives are more equal than others.

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Harry Seitz

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