What Programming Language is Your Boyfriend?

Learn how to decode your boyfriend now!


Erikka Innes

3 years ago | 3 min read

Ladies, sometimes it’s tough understanding your boyfriend. But what if he came with an instruction manual and tons of helpful user tutorials? Well, once you map your type of guy to his programming language, you’ll be all set.

Instead of crying to your friends, you could be figuring out how to deal with your boyfriend on Stack Overflow.

The Philosopher

He’s all about labels, and the semantics behind those labels. There are so many ways to interpret the semantic tags we attribute to the day to day elements of our life. But how to interpret them? That’s just your opinion, man.

He’s XML.

Mr. Safety

This guy is OCD about keeping safe. You’ll never have to worry if he’s got a condom because he does. And Plan B. And he’s the kinda guy who wants you to sign a prenup just to date.

He’s Rust.

Bond, James Bond

Debonair, charming, and often found in a tuxedo. This is one classy guy. He handles everything smoothly. If you have a big event that needs to be put together, he’ll have it ready just-in-time. There’s just one problem. He’s going to objectify you. To him, everyone is an object.

He’s Java.

The Insecure Guy

Clad in flashy, luxury clothes, but he still comes off a bit grubby. He never stops running and he’s constantly playing with his rocket. Or other rockets. He brags all the time that he’s much more popular in Europe. Even though he’s got a lot of confidence, he’s still extremely vulnerable. Maybe that’s what makes him so appealing.

He’s PHP.

The Boy Next Door

Easy to talk to, easy to be around. He makes everything simple, and is communicative whenever there’s a problem. And that’s why he’s super popular. Good luck winning this guy over when he has so many options! He might be packing, but a gentleman never tells.

He’s Python.

Marriage Material

The greatest thing about this guy is how many different things he’s interested in. You connect on so many levels, and no matter what happens, he’ll always find a way to keep things going. Sometimes a delight, sometimes a pain in the ass.

He’s comfortable with the backend or the frontend. He’s the kind of guy you can always call up to do something with. Lately he’s been all about promises, which he always keeps. (In fact it would probably be harder to get him to break a promise.) Girl, maybe he’s the one.

He’s JavaScript.

The Strong, Silent Type

He’s quiet, he won’t tell you what’s wrong even if you’ve asked a million times, and he’s great at parsing languages. Not that he’s bragging, but he definitely knows more than one way to do it. He will always be there for you, holding your relationship together — sometimes dysfunctionally.

He’s Perl. (Python’s older brother!)

The Passive Aggressive

He’s sweet and he’s going to get around to finishing those projects. He’ll make a choice about dinner, too. Eventually. Yes, eventually, he will do it all, but for right now, he hopes you’ll settle for it looking like he’s doing it all.

He’s Haskell.

His Brother’s Hotter

You went on a tepid first date, but couldn’t handle all the pointers he kept giving you. Many of them didn’t even seem to have to do with anything useful. That’s when you met his brother. A little bit younger, and way classier. It’s almost a match made in heaven, but he objectifies you a little too much.

The first date was C, and the younger brother is C++.

The Normal Guy

He once left a five star review about a grilled cheese sandwich. He only drinks bud light, and he’s easy for practically anyone to pick up.

He’s Basic.

Pick your type, find your language, join a developer community, and watch your relationship problems melt away!


Created by

Erikka Innes

Developer Advocate and Comedian







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