A person's depiction of what he is truly afraid of.
Do not know what it is, but I am scared. I am scared I will fail. I am scared I will fail in any and all aspects of life. This fear of failure is driving it further. I am scared I will fail to be the son my parents want me to be. I am scared I won't be able to be the brother I want to be. I already feel like a failure, failing in almost all of these already. You think you will get used to it, but you do not. You still want to try harder, try a different way to succeed. Guess that is one of the, if not the only, things I am not failing at. Trying to maintain a fighting spirit. I have promised myself I would not give up on anything, but at least I know that I haven't lived up to that promise many times. I guess I would not give up or have a fear of giving up if I was not afraid. I guess the reason I've already failed at so many things is that I just don't know what to do in the face of fear. Being tossed around like a volleyball across the net doesn't exactly help you stay confident. I am scared to make any sort of plan as they will almost surely fail. Life has never lived up to my expectations, nor has it gone according to plan. However airtight the plan might be, I always find myself in situations where somehow it all goes haywire. Technically speaking, I would say there are too many variables, and hence this happens, but deep down under, I just know that I am not enough. I am scared that I was not enough for anyone. Been proven on multiple occasions to me already. I do not know the term for being in constant fear of not being enough, but I'm sure it's out there. In this whole universe that changes every microsecond, I do not have one concrete point I can go back to from where I'm sure I can start again. I do not have one fixed thing to rely on. Wait, that's not true. I can rely on myself to not be enough. I do not know how to move ahead from this point. After failing this much, I am afraid to start doing anything. The thought of doing something original keeps me awake at night, and resigning myself to doing something derivative just chips away at my already withering self-confidence. I just need a win. At this point, even a small win would do, I guess. I always tell my friends and myself how great it was till a point in time and how it was just downhill after that. The truth is it was never great. I always sucked at many things but had a few good things going for me then. That at least gave me the confidence, overconfidence if I may, I needed to function then. Hence I boast about even all these other things being good. Now I have lost everything, including my overflowing overconfidence. That's one thing I thought would never go away. I can't really tell anyone this, but I want to. My fear of failure has crossed my fear of showing everyone that I'm weak and vulnerable, and that is another terrifying thought. I have reached a situation where I don't care if people care I am weak as long as I don't need to fail. The one true thing about the boasting I used to do, was I never expected to find myself in this situation. I feel angry at myself. I feel pity for myself. Why can't I just do one thing properly? I can not even wake up on time now. I keep looking for other stuff to do coz I know I'm not good at anything. I really need a win. One damn win. Just one. I'm tired of not succeeding. Whenever I see a sign that things are getting better, more than two things end up getting worse. It's been 3 years since I was actually happy. Don't know how long it's gonna take. Almost everyone in my life is disappointed with me. I'm not assuming this. I say almost coz the other part doesn't yet know me that well to be disappointed in me. Just want it to get better. A lot of people out there are telling me it does, but I just do not see it getting better. Though I know what to do to make it better, I'm not. Because I'm sure, I'm gonna fail again anyway. I have become this wallowing, self-pitying, depressed, bitter, unnecessarily aggressive, dejected, underconfident failure who can not even look at himself in the mirror anymore. All because I am scared.