A man's iteration of growth through the lens of feeling tired
Present: The current topic, “into the fathoms of the mind”, reminds me of an article I had written 2 years ago and how the passage of even a small amount of time can actually change life perspectives in a drastic manner. It is not that the past 2 years have been kind to me, but they have taught me how to remain strong in times of crisis.
2 years ago: Till now, I believed that a small win would start a cycle of positive things like the butterfly effect. But ever since I said that out loud (or typed in this case), I have been getting wins that bring along their own setbacks. It feels like taking one step forward and two steps back. I used to believe that the universe would give you whatever you wanted it to. That belief changed to it balancing out every day; that is, if something good happens, something terrible happens to balance it out. I believe that the phrase “regression to the mean” is being literally applied in my life. But I never would have believed if someone told me that in order to balance out the small happy things in my life, the universe would dish out a herculean vengeance. There is no balance in such justice, and my view has changed again. It currently stands for " the universe just plays with you however it deems fit." I have stopped planning stuff for my future as it never follows through. I am trying to live each day on my own terms, but that itself has become difficult. I do realize that I am letting other people's feelings about me affect me and everyone around me, but I can't think of anything else to improve the current situation. There are people who love me but no one to support me. Even though I have achieved what I wanted, I am no way closer to happiness or even satisfaction for that matter. Someone or something makes sure I still remain dejected, demotivated, underconfident, and hating myself. The fact is that nobody needs me, nobody wants me, and nobody definitely dreams of me every single night is a feeling too difficult to digest. I am not special to anyone. I really wish I was because the feeling of being special to someone is a luxury I currently do not possess. You have got to be not unlucky to be special to someone. But my luck is as good as a sound in a vacuum. It can nowhere be heard or felt as it does not exist in the plane called me. This realization should have dawned upon me a long time back, but I guess you don't recognize the storm when you are in its eye. I should have also recognized that you don't need to listen or impress anyone, but my mind, in its current twisted state, is not in a position to grasp that. I really do want to do something that would make my situation better but even thinking about such a thing reminds me of how my plans all eventually fail. If my plan is carried out, it fails; if my plan is not carried out, it is the one that should have been carried out. I have craved love and support from people around me, but all I have got is either pity or judgemental statements along with long speeches about how I should not be how I am right now. I am tired of people telling me what to do. I am tired of trying to impress people around me. I am tired of trying to make things better for others. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of trying to win. I am tired of trying to live up to others' expectations. And I am definitely tired of not being under the control of my own life. I can feel my fighting spirit wane but am still trudging on. I am tired of waiting for situations to get better. I am tired of feeling tired, scared, alone, and insufficient.
Present: 2 years post, I can proudly say I have come out of this mental crisis a strong man. In this past time, I have faced acceptance and rejection, love and hate, support and betrayal, and come out a different person. I have become more sensitive to other people’s emotions and realized that everyone’s actions have their own personal reason. Every person is fighting a personal battle of their own along with various levels of society. Hence everyone must be treated with a hint of compassion. I can also declare that I do not regret the transgression I have gone through. I now believe that hurdles are a part of life. The larger the hurdle, the greater the person that emerges from it. I am grateful for everyone and everything that has been part of my journey till now.