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My Unpopular Opinion About Godzilla

The garbage Godzilla above, I could never beat up. If garbage just makes him bigger and stronger, we’re all screwed.


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Harry Seitz

5 months ago | 2 min read
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I could take him

The garbage Godzilla above, I could never beat up. If garbage just makes him bigger and stronger, we’re all screwed.

But the “real” Godzilla as portrayed in such films as Godzilla Meets the Three Stooges and Godzilla King of the Monsters?

I’d kick his ass.

The first you do is stomp on his tail. My cat hates that, even when I do it by accident. Then when he turns around, I’d start running in the opposite direction or trick Godzilla into chasing his tail. After that, it’s just a matter of waiting until he conks out dizzy and confused. Once he’s down, you slice his throat with a chainsaw.

Maybe this is delusional, but it might not be necessary. With the amount of garbage we dump in the ocean, Godzilla’s belly is probably already full of plastic and beer cans. And if that doesn’t kill him, the lead and cadmium will.

Godzilla’s weakness is that he’s just an animal, like a polar bear or a tiger. We’re still afraid of those guys, too (and snakes, Rottweilers, monkeys, and ladybugs (don’t judge me!)).

As Rambo should have said if he didn’t, “If it has a heart, I can kill it.”

Our only major hurdle is convincing Godzilla deniers. Godzilla is stomping through my city right now, and one half-squished guy reminded me that it’s important to make the distinction between who was killed because of Godzilla, and who died for possibly related Godzilla activities (toppling buildings, falling rubble, Godzilla induced road rage, etc.).

If someone died because the Empire State Building landed on him, well, that could happen to anyone at any time, and isn’t necessarily because of Godzilla. Maybe the foundation was already weak, or it was just a bunch of teenagers fooling around.

In any case, the key to defeating Godzilla is getting him to chase his tail, and we’ve all become incredibly good at that and we don’t even have tails (to those with vestigial tails, I’m an ally).

Also, Godzilla hates math. He’s one of the only creatures from Japan who just can’t cope with it (even Pokémon are good at math), and that’s what drove him crazy in the first place.

He’s like a vampire in that way, except instead of scattering matches to make him count and slow him down, just give him a junior high algebra question. It will eventually drive him to rage, but first, he’ll be confused, and maybe even start crying, giving you plenty of time to stomp on his tail.

And like I’ve been saying for years, this is why all of us should own as many chainsaws as possible. It’s our patriotic duty as Americans to do so because of trees and Godzilla, so you can pry my chainsaw out of my cold dead hands.

I actually chopped my hands off by accident (it had nothing to do with getting drunk and juggling my chainsaws), but even if you don’t have hands, that’s no excuse. What you do is hold the chainsaw between your legs right next to your crotch and pull the starter cord with your teeth.

If you have trouble reaching the cord, just do a headstand and it’ll dangle right in front of your face. It’s as easy as accidentally cutting yourself in half.

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Harry Seitz

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