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My Unpopular Opinion About King Kong

King Kong is basically a big stupid monkey (I believe the scientific term is “ape”).


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Harry Seitz

5 months ago | 2 min read
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I could take him

King Kong is basically a big stupid monkey (I believe the scientific term is “ape”).

To fight a monkey, you have to think like a monkey. In the case of King Kong, that means bananas and smoking hot blondes.

Kong has good taste, and while these blondes are out of his league, King Kong has the luxury of just snatching them up, like Henry Cavill (it isn’t sexual harassment if the guy is a babe).

King Kong isn’t even as sexy as Brad Pitt, and Brad Pitt is like so over. Plastic surgery isn’t ready for men yet, so do the impossible and age gracefully like Bea Arthur, who I bet could kick Brad’s ass in their relative primes.

It’s frustrating fighting Kong (and Donkey Kong for that matter) because even if you do something incredibly impressive, like beating up King Kong or jumping over a seemingly endless array of barrels, the blonde you rescue will end up with a handsome doctor or Henry Cavill.

Unfortunately, I’m mostly hetero. I’m so hetero I’d go through 1,000 Henry Cavills to get to any one of those blondes King Kong has stolen.

Back in the Peace Corps, a few women volunteers came out to visit me, and my island is in the middle of nowhere. It was a special occasion for us, so I stole enough electricity from the church to watch Man of Steel. 

His first shirtless scene, the ladies all gasped and blushed. I told them maybe they could just use me and imagine him, and they left, so I had that frozen screenshot of Henry Cavil all to myself.

Beating Kong is a lot like beating Henry Cavil. They’re both terrified of dogs, so you just have to keep throwing dogs at them.

If there aren’t any dogs around, you can just throw garbage, the smellier the better (dogs love garbage, so throwing it might lure more of them into the fight). Feces also works. As a last resort (for some reason), you can always call the Air Force.

Kong’s other major weakness is Tom Cruise. Throw Tom Cruise at anything tall and even remotely phallic, and he will scurry up it like a rat.

Kong will try to punch him, but Tom Cruise is too quick and rat-like to catch, so Kong will end up punching himself. Once Tom Cruise reaches Kong’s balls, the fight is basically over, and unless you want to see something truly disgusting, I’d turn away.

If Tom Cruise was still married, one of his wives would run after you begging you to hide her with benefits. Desperation is repulsive, but in some cases, I get it, exceptions have to be made, and after two years of lockdown, if the person looks better than my hand, I’m going for it.

And baby, my hands are filthy.

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