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Why You Still Have a Self Confidence Problem (+ The Smartest Way To Solve It)

It will keep being a problem as long as you keep approaching it the wrong way.


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Joshua Idegbere

3 years ago | 5 min read

Lack of self-confidence isn’t a lack of motivation problem. You don’t lack confidence because you’re not motivated enough.

Thinking that you need motivational buffers to upgrade your self-confidence is a misconception. I know that from experience:

My immediate younger brother had all the motivational clips from sources I a self-help savvy don’t even know. And he listens to them twice daily. Why? To solve his not being able to talk to girls without fidgeting.

He just loses a sense of balance anytime he’s around girl a girl he likes. And in trying to regain it, the more it becomes obvious that he lacks confidence. And this has been his challenge for years now.

I have lived with him almost all my life and from his experience, I’ve come to understand one fact:

Even when you have enough money to take care of your needs, a wonderful family that supports and cares about you, and education, you can have a self-confidence problem.

When you have a self-confidence problem, those assets you’ve got won’t really mean much to you anymore. The problem makes your life seem so awkward that you are not proud of it.

Living is Expressive, and Confidence Is The Springboard To Joyful Living.

You’ve got to do things to show that you are alive. For instance, you have to communicate with people, work with people, party with people, practice your hobby, and showcase your skills. In short, living means expressing who you are.

But without confidence, those expressive acts become impossible and so deprive you of pure joy.

That is another way of saying that living fully is impossible without self-confidence. Life is expressive, and confidence is the springboard to uninhibited self-expression.

Confidence is Earned.

Any victory in life is impossible without work.

Thinking of getting out of any mess without work is the reason many people are stagnated in life. Why? The path of least resistance has never disappointed in making failures.

On this planet, victory is impossible without work. And that’s irrespective of what it is you want to overcome.

For instance, to overcome mediocrity, you’ve to read books and open your mind to previously unfamiliar experiences. The only remedy to overcoming writers’ block is to write pages every single day of your life. To solve a lack of money problem, you’ve got to get out of your bed and work with your hands and your mind.

Victory is impossible without a fight. If you must win you have to fight. There is no other way around it.

The same is the lack of self-confidence. To overcome it, you’ve got to earn it. Meaning you have to fight to overcome it.

Don’t be deceived into consuming motivational content, they offer relief without addressing the cause of the problem. What you need is not relief; what you need is a solution.

The Solution to Your Self Confidence Problem.

I feel more confident now than I have ever been for years. Experience has made me understand that confidence grows. In other words, confidence is like a seed that has potential for growth.

However, growth is not independent of our effort and decisions. In other words, growing your self-confidence doesn’t happen on its own; our choices and effort influence it.

The people you spend most of your time with — your parents and siblings; and the friends you hang out with impact on your self-confidence.

Human beings are like a chameleon, we take after the thinking, attitude, and behaviors of those we spend most of our time with.

For that reason, more time with them means thinking, acting, and behaving like them.

My father was always shy. He avoids people and turns down most opportunities to mingle with people.

And all his life, he has only one close friend.

Chances are high that my younger brother took after him by spending most of his time with him.

Had my father been confident and outgoing, my younger brother would have been a more confident and action-driven dude than he is today.

So the people we spend time around the most either dwarf our confidence or help groom it.

The second and the most important is mastering a skill or getting really good at something.

Getting good at anything grooms your confidence. Like watering a planting, the mastery over a skill or having superior knowledge in any area injects life into your confidence.

That is why the smartest person in a group is usually the most confident. He may not need to talk, but you can tell from his countenance and carriage.

Getting good at anything is the secret behind self-confidence. And the more things you get good at, the more gigantic and far-reaching your confidence permeates every area of your life.

Let’s say you are a surgeon, a writer, and a family man. If you are at the top of your game as a surgeon alone, you will feel a little inferior among your friends who are writers and are doing very well at their craft. Unless you are an above-average writer, you will feel inferior in the midst of professional writers.

The confidence from being an expert surgeon will only stand you on one foot outside the medical community. To stand on both feet in the midst of writers, you’ve got to be an above-average writer yourself.

It is the same way an A-lister will have more gigantic confidence if he masters creative drawing with his academic prowess than being an A-lister alone.

The aim is not to be an expert at everything; it is to improve yourself be above average in as many aspects of your life as possible. That’s the only way you can overcome your self-confidence problem anytime, any day, and wherever you find yourself.

Every mastery dignifies your confidence and makes self-confidence a second nature.

This the secret of self-confidence.

Final thoughts

Lack of self-confidence is self-limiting. It deprives you of the experience of pure love and joy in your everyday life.

Confidence is the springboard of joyful existence. If you don’t allow the life within to gain expression, you will never truly be happy. And what is life without happiness?

Stop thinking that motivation is the answer to confidence. Watch as many inspirational videos and listen to as many motivational tapes, at best they will relive you for a while.

To solve your self-confidence problem, get around people you admire for having that trait.

But the heavyweight solution to growing gigantic confidence is gaining mastery or getting good in as many areas of your life as you can.

That’s how to solve your self-confidence problem.

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Joshua Idegbere

I am Joshua Idegbere and this is my column. Stories with actionable tips to help you make the most of your life, career and relationships. Welcome!


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